Yesterday I took some new pictures of Jacob - and when I was reviewing the pics on the computer it occured to me that he was slowly moving away from being my little baby and quickly becoming my little boy. I found myself staring at the pictures in disbelief, as if time had snuck in overnight and snatched away the small baby I had brought home from the hospital -I use to dream that those days of complete dependence on me would last forever - now I realize to think that way is to live in a sort of deceptive state - I hate deception.

In the first of the pictures Jacob is wearing a navy tee that is clearly too big for him - his arms are swimming in it and it is hanging down from his neck. The picture is a close up of his upper torso and head and when I look at this picture - I feel like I know exactly how Jacob is going to look when he is 2, 3, 4 years old - I imagine that face lit up in a smile the first time he see’s a candle glowing on a birthday cake, or perhaps the first time he see’s the monkeys at the zoo - he couldn’t have a more beautiful face. The picture just radiates - and I can’t help but fall in love with him a little bit more every time I look at it. I’d love for his face to stay that way forever - but I’ve already been fooled by the deceptive thought that he could be ageless before - I wont’ fall victim again.

In the second picture, Jacob is sitting on the floor turning the pages of his Belly Button book and I stare at this photo in disbelief - as if it is fast forwarding me to a world of school books and homework - and I find myself wanting school time to never arrive - thinking about school reminds me of all the separations we’ll have in life - school being one of the good seperations - but still he will be there and I will wonder “what is Jacob doing now?” and I will suspect that perhaps he is painting me the most beautiful picture of a cat with no tail and two stick people that will have huge heads - and he’ll tell me they are Mommy, Daddy and Chloe the Cat - and I will be proud and hang it on the fridge - feeling proud of myself for producing Picasso. It’s funny how simple photographs can launch our minds into the future in a way we never thought possible before - I look forward to the future as much as I look forward to turning my head this second to watch Jacob fail once again at gettign Chloe’s tail tight in his grasp - Kitty 3 Jacob 0.

In the last picture, Jacob is standing holding on with just one small hand - gripping his highchair and looking dutifully at the camera - as if he’s saying yea yea Mama…take the picture so I can resume playing please. Looking at this picture, I am not catapulted too far into the future - because when I look at this photo I am reminded that at any moment, his hand will let go of the highchair and he will stand there - shocked, excited, nervous - perhaps he will be confused about how he managed to stand all by himself without falling and then we will all realize that walking, (the milestone that to me differentiates and infant with a toddler) is just around the corner. I don’t imagine that this will happen too soon before his first birthday but then I never imagined that he could learn to crawl, sit up on his own, pull to standing, and cruise along furniture all in a matter of 3 weeks - I’m not sure if I’m ready for walking - can you give Mama a little more time Jacob?

What is most remarkable about these pictures is that while they launch me into thoughts of the future, I am reminded of who he is now - He is perhaps the most curious baby I have ever encountered, he is smart, he is loving, he is gentle, he is caring, he is ambitious, he is brave, he is an adventurer, he is timid - he is all those things - and he is ours - He is ours and I love that.

He is ours and he is sitting by the window, trying to figure out how the wheels on his train work….I think I might indulge a little and let him show me how they spin.

I woke up this morning and I noticed the alarm clock flashing 2:22 at me over and over again. I blinked my eyes twice before I realized it was flashing because the power had gone out at some point in the night. I lay in bed wondering what time it actually was and at one point I thought I had rolled over, picked my ipod off the bedside table and saw that it was in fact 2:22 am - I later realized that while the flashing clock was true - the later involvement of the ipod was not - when I woke up the ipod was sitting by the computer where it was left after Mike had attempted to put some files on it late last night. I am assuming that after looking at the clock, I had rolled over and fallen back asleep - where I dreamed that I saw the time on the ipod. I never use to have dreams when I sleep very often , but I have found that since conceiving Jacob, the dream world has been more vivid for me.

The reason the power went off in the night was that our city was fighting off a winter storm. Throughout the city there were downed power lines so I am thankful that our power was only out for a short amount of time and we were (besides the dream) relatively unaffected by the power outage. Jacob got up at 7 am this morning and went through his usual morning routine with his Daddy - clean diaper, bottle, playtime - before long Jacob was in bed with me telling me (like he does every morning) that it was time for me to get up and take care of him because Daddy was going to work - so I dragged my butt out of bed and the two of us retreated to the living room for a little Learning Home fun.

Now that I’ve mentionned it let me take a moment to sing the praises of the Fisher Price Laugh and Learn Home - this has by far been one of the best things we’ve every purchased for Jacob. Over time he’s learned many new skills from it and its fun to watch him go through the door, push the doorbell, get the mail from the mailbox, open and close the window…I really see years of fun with this home and I recommend anyone with an infant buy this for their child - it’s great for children aged 6 months till 36 months - I’ve definitely seen my son’s gross and fine motor skills come a live since we introduced this home into his life.

I’m not feeling well today so I’ve been laying low on my message boards and trying to get some rest - I’ve been having some pains in my stomach that I’m sure are just normal womanly pains and I hope they go away soon. I’m sitting here trying to decide what to make for dinner! Mike will have to stop at the grocery store I suppose.

Jacob is asleep, so I’m going to stop spewing random thoughts and get some actual work done around the house.

We have this family portrait on the wall. It’s one of those family portraits where everyone is smiling and the family looks incredibly happy and perfect - I use to despise those types of portraits. I use to hate seeing them in magazines - I use to think they misrepresented the majority of families in the world - cus the truth is most if not all families are not perfect. I remember the song Family Portrait by the artist Pink that had the line “In our family portrait we look pretty happy, let’s play pretend act like it comes naturally”….I said I use to think this way - that it was impossibe for people to be incredibly happy in their family life - but so far…..I have no complaints and I love that picture - we’re not perfect that’s for sure - but we’re happy…and so now my motto is that perfection in this life doesn’t exist but happiness does.

We have a favourite recliner that we have rocked in with Jacob since the day he comes home from the hospital. We hung the picture near the recliner and every now and then we’d point out the people in the picture - “there’s Mama, there’s Dada, and there’s baby Jake” - and I use to think it was just for fun - but now I realize that Jacob knows that picture and knows who is in it very well. When Mike is at work - Jacob and I will sit in the recliner - sometimes just to sit and other times to play games like pat a cake or our newest thing of blowing kisses to each other - well when we sit there I say “Jacob where’s Dada?” and he’s smile, turn his body look at the door (because he knows daddy comes in from there after work), when he sees no Dada there he turns to the picture on the wall - looks up at it and smiles….I know that he knows who Dada is and that makes my heart melt.

I’m sure we’ll have many more family portraits - we’ll look happy and perfect - but mostly we’ll be more happy then perfect - and that sits well with my soul.